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Journey into Therapy

This post will be written over the next couple of weeks. It will look into the process of not only receiving but experiencing therapy here in the USA. This first part will look into the process of getting therapy. Once my appointment date comes and goes, I will post this. After that I will beginContinue reading “Journey into Therapy”

Validate me

Growing up, I never had any social media. The only social media I had was Facebook, made when I was eight, and a Snapchat. Personally, I do not count Snapchat. I used it more for texting than anything else. It was not until recently that I began posting on my story. It was not untilContinue reading “Validate me”

A Tale of Glory

**Warning: Suicide is mentioned in the post. Although I have never had thoughts both currently or in the past of suicide I think its important to mention that those who always betray themselves as happy are not in fact always happy. This is a friendly reminder to check on your happy friends. Don’t push orContinue reading “A Tale of Glory”

Wallowing in Sorrow

I never believe in saying that because I had particular life struggles, I understand everyone who has struggles. This is not the case and will never be the case. Everyone has their problems and reactions to their problems. However, how someone treats their issues and struggles defines how I see them in my head. WhatContinue reading “Wallowing in Sorrow”

Stories from Night Shift: Part 1

I never questioned it or my actions. When I went inside and told my coworker what happened, I was met with a natural fluid motion. No hesitation. Housekeeping understood immediately, and a whistle was brought out in seconds. Then I was left on my own. When they asked me personal information, the lies about my engagement flowed out my mouth as natural as can be. This should not be the case. I should not be this well trained to handle inappropriate old men. I wonder at what age do girls start to pick up on these cues. When does it become second nature to defend ourselves? When do we become conditioned this way?

New Beginnings

Over the last couple of years, I have felt the need to change. Not just for me but for those around me, and the family I hope to someday build. I had hit a rut, a big one. I spent every night drunk off my butt and running from my problems. I would meet completeContinue reading “New Beginnings”

Shattered

Every day I wake up and put on a smile, a hollow, defeated smile. This becomes almost ritualistic. Nothing changes. Everything stays relatively the same. Each morning I follow a routine. Wake up, reply to everyone on my phone, dance around my room, and drink my coffee. I am continuously on my phone messaging peopleContinue reading “Shattered”

ButterBall

Over the years, I have fostered a countless number of dogs. These dogs ranged from age, background, breed, personality types, and more. I usually would foster with my parents helping, aka in charge of most things. However, once I got older, I was allowed to foster on my own. I got to pick the dog,Continue reading “ButterBall”

The stray

Last night I was driving around when I spotted something on the road. At first, I thought it was just a fox. However, soon I noticed a bright collar around a little cat’s neck. The car was pulled over, and I jumped out. Having fostered and rescued dogs for years, I was ready to run.Continue reading “The stray”

Father’s Day

I have been reflecting a lot on my life and the people I am fortunate to have. I think back to nights where I would go with my dad to his baseball games. I would sit in the dugouts with the other team members and listen to them trash talk the other team. I rememberContinue reading “Father’s Day”

Where were you?

Where were you? Where were you when I needed you the most? When I was spending every night crying myself to sleep, why were you not there? Why did you give up on me? Why did you find it funny watching yourself collapse? Why was it funny watching us destroying ourselves? I know you hadContinue reading “Where were you?”

Runaway (Part 1)

I have discussed a few times now moments in my life that I felt ignored, unwanted, and forgotten. I have discussed how I worked to avoid these feelings, to an extent, and how I truly felt in these moments. However, like most young kids, I had a plan to run away. I had multiple plans.Continue reading “Runaway (Part 1)”

Keeper

When asked about “love” she defines “loss.”  She is the type of girl that motivates everyone else to follow their dreams while seemingly letting hers drift slowly away. She is the girl with infinite amounts of love to give while she struggles to receive it. She is the type of girl when asked about loveContinue reading “Keeper”

The family rock

“You are our family rock.” “You are my rock.” “You keep me going.” Words that as a child, I adored hearing. I did not see how these words grew to change who I was and who I was becoming. As a child, I lived for these words of affection. It made me feel like IContinue reading “The family rock”

The life within my brain

I do not know when I started creating worlds within my head, worlds that filled emotional holes in my soul. Worlds that would go beyond normal imaginative play a child’s experiences. The very first world I created was to fill the void of losing my first friend. After preschool, my first ever friend moved states.Continue reading “The life within my brain”

The battle within myself

….How many times do I ignore my personal values and self input to accommodate the image others have of me? I have always found myself to be a very independent person, but maybe this image is flawed. Perhaps I have never had a difficult talk with myself on what I want. Do I even know how to have this talk? … I fear my own judgment more than anything else.

What now?

This blog is a documentation of the thoughts that consume my mind looking for an escape. What if I disappoint the people who came to listen to what I had to say on those topics. What if they don’t care for the rest? What if they leave? That last question baffles me. Like I said before, I started this blog with zero intentions of it going anywhere. I was using it as a therapy for myself. Just because I have followers reading now, that should not change why or how I write. Yet, I find myself having to force myself to write freely.

Growing past nightmares

Every night like clockwork, I have nightmares. No matter how many times I wake up and fall back to sleep, the nightmares consist. This is not new to the blog and is something I have discussed before. What I left out before was what I started a few years ago. I began writing down myContinue reading “Growing past nightmares”

Anxiety does not have a singular form.

…do not ever invalidate someone’s emotions. The person may seem to be dramatic, extra, annoying, loner, or whatever the case may be to you, but this just might be their way of coping with emotions they do not know how to handle. Emotions that to them scare them and consume them. Your experience with anxiety is not the only experience possible.

The first pet I lost

I couldn’t handle the idea that she would not be here anymore, and to cope, I decided to act like I didn’t love her. I would play with my dog and ignore her. I still slept with her and did everything I had to do to keep her comfortable, but I tried as hard as possible to limit our time together. I couldn’t handle the pain without her. She was my best friend. She always knew exactly what to do to make me smile, and I treated her like nothing when she needed me most. She didn’t understand my pain. She didn’t understand why I was afraid to love her. She didn’t know.

Choosing family

Growing up, I never understood family, or what it stood for. As I have grown and explored more of what the world has to offer, I have discovered what family truly means. Family is not blood. Family is not a draw of the stick luck. Family is not your mother’s uncle’s son. Family is love.Continue reading “Choosing family”

How I am learning to love myself

As someone who struggles to look at herself in the mirror some days without crying, learning to love how I look is not easy. It is not something that, after a few days, I have mastered. There is no hack. Some days one thing will work, and other days another will work. It is not a science. It is a constant battle

Why?

Why am I the one you want when I have finally decided to leave? Why am I only beautiful when you feel threaten I may move on? Why am I worth it only when you fear I am moving on? Why do you want to go on adventures only when I have given up? ItContinue reading “Why?”

Fading Allure

In life, both internally and externally, I care too fast and too hard. I find an interest or hobbies, and it consumes me. While this can be beneficial in learning new things quickly, the toll it takes is excruciating. Internally I find a part of myself I like, and I hyper-focus on it. I caterContinue reading “Fading Allure”

What is love?

Last night someone whom I once babysat texted me. She asked me for advice on love. Specifically, how to know that you are in love. I texted her that love was a complicated thing, and you know. However, last night as I tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, I thought more and more onContinue reading “What is love?”

My body as a weapon

Like most of the other girls, I was leaning back holding myself up with my hands. One of my male friends asked me to change positions. Said I was making him uncomfortable and making it hard for him to concentrate on what the group was saying. That’s when I notice he wasn’t speaking to me. He hadn’t taken his eyes off my boobs. I apologized and felt embarrassed. I rushed to grab my backpack and cover myself. My body once again was being a problem.

I’m sorry

In the past, I have had people come in and out of my lives. Some leaving memories behind and others leaving scars. I fear either happening again. I do not want to think back to you and only see memories. I do not want to feel like I am nothing but a moment in yourContinue reading “I’m sorry”

My Average is enough

When I realize that my average is enough, I accept that some days will be busier and some days more relaxed. This does not mean I have failed in any way. Instead, it says I am a normal person who gets tired. I am not supposed to have only the best days. That is impossible. My average is enough. I, at my average, am enough.

It will be okay.

Sweetheart, I know what you are doing, and I am proud. I am proud of who you are. I am proud to say you are little me. But honey… you can rest. You do not have to be perfect.

An Expert in Training

See 5 months ago, I had all these plans and expectations of what I was going to do with my new found hobby. Then I tried it, and I failed. I sucked. My roommate could not help but laugh as my fingers stumbled over the yarn and made knots where there should not have been any. That same day I started, I stopped. “My hands just are made for this. They are not steady enough.” I say this despite the fact that I have to put IV in people, have given shots, and more. These things require the exact skill I swore I need for knitting. I stopped because, in my head, I had already created fantasy land where once I picked up the string, I would be an expert.

Please be patient

My mind is in its own little world. Trudging through unknown battles. I am not ignoring you and your inquires. I hear you just fine and yearn to respond. I just can’t describe to you what I am feeling. I have to practice what I wish to say. I try and speak, but words do not leave my mouth.

Focus on the road

If I focus too much on the present with no care of my future, I again wreck my car. Life is like this. We need to be able to look ahead and see our future. It is okay to glance around and enjoy the moments passing by, but we cannot dwell on these trivial things and risk never reaching our intended destination.

Nightmare Fueled Nights

I lay in bed and beg myself to sleep. Beg myself to look past the terror that I know will fill my nights. Beg myself to close my eyes and dream of a place that I will be okay. As the hours come and go, I toss and turn until finally my body breaks. I cannot force my eyes open any longer, and sleep takes over. Every night the rest defeats my body’s tedious battle. Every night the same nightmare fills my unconscious mind. My mind screams for an escape

The Fear of Failure

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome. William James When embarking on any new journey, I often wonder, “is it worth it.” Is trying to accomplish this new goal or mission worth the chance I will fail. More often than not,Continue reading “The Fear of Failure”

A year from now

A year from now, I will begin a new journey. I will no longer be a college student. I will no longer be a student. I will be a real adult. I will be a nurse. In a year from now, life will change a lot. I find myself longing for the freedom I willContinue reading “A year from now”

One amazing Moment

I have watched patients die, held the hands of patients who trusted me enough to be vulnerable around me. I have held parents, daughters, sons, families, friends as they watch the ones they love pass. I have had the honor of hearing patients tell me about their lives. The joy in their eyes when they speak about their past. Soon I began to note a trend. My patients all would talk to me of their history and families, but each and everyone had one story, one incredible moment in their lives.

Please stay

Promise me you won’t leave. Promise me when I wake you will be there. Promise me you will not abandon me. Every action I take is to ensure that you will not leave. You want to hang out, sure. I will ignore my 10-page paper to hang out. Sure I will lose sleep tonight soContinue reading “Please stay”

Lessons from my dog

She tries her best every single day to live a “normal” dog life. Every day she pushes past her fears. She may analyze every step she takes. She looks out onto our floors with determination to cross the room without tripping herself up. She looks upon stairs with fear and determination. I watch as she takes 5 maybe 6 minutes sometimes to begin her climb up the stairs. She puts one paw down and takes it off. She repeats the process over and over again.

The terror of silence

Silence. Silence consumes everything it can. When a room has been stricken by silence, thoughts rage on within my head. I look out into the room of people that surround me. Are they judging me? Should I not have worn this shirt? Should I have skipped breakfast today? Is my hair a mess? Are they tryingContinue reading “The terror of silence”

Grateful for the pain

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.  –Chuck Palahniuk When we hear the word pain, most of us retract, protect ourselves. Whether this is physical protection or mental protection, it does not matter. Human nature is to protect. Yet, while I do not enjoy pain in any shape or form, I am grateful for pain.Continue reading “Grateful for the pain”

Legacy

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” Shannon L. Alder Today I had the honor of going to an old abandoned town here in my state. I was able to walk through what once was homes for an entireContinue reading “Legacy”

Disregard my interests

I was embarrassed because I knew he would ask to see this thing I was so proud of. Yes. I was embarrassed because he would see what I was proud of. It makes little sense. But I had a genuine fear that this thing that I considered to be amazing would be viewed as stupid, as worthless, and I would be looked down upon for liking it.

Who am I?

College graduations are all around us. People are graduating and being told, “Welcome to the rest of your life.” They are being expected to chose who they are and what they want from life. They are pressured to find a job and be successful. Chose whether or not to spend around $100,000 more on graduateContinue reading “Who am I?”

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