The terror of silence

Silence. Silence consumes everything it can. When a room has been stricken by silence, thoughts rage on within my head. I look out into the room of people that surround me. Are they judging me? Should I not have worn this shirt? Should I have skipped breakfast today? Is my hair a mess? Are they trying to find a way to leave? Are they mad at me? Are they going to leave me? Years of experience has taught me that silence is dangerous. Silence is anger. Silence stems from being so done with a person that you would rather sit in yourself than waste breath on this person. Silence means you will disappear. Silence means I will be abandoned. Silence. I could be inside a room full of my closet friends, and if there is complete silence, I wonder if I am a burden. If they want me to leave yet, do not know how to ask. Have I overstepped my stay? Did I say something wrong? Am I sitting inappropriately? Silence is my own worst enemy. To end the silence, I speak of anything and everything. Next, guilt consumes me. Why did I have to disrupt their silence? Now they will be mad at me. They will leave. When I am alone, the silences commands unwanted memories to torment me. They fill my head. Make me forget where I am, who I am, who I have become. Consequently, I turn to my headphones as much as possible. Music fills my head. I began to fantasize that I am someone else. I begin living in a dream. I imagine people around me joking with me. Friends. Friends that I won’t be a burden to. Friends that will not leave. Friends who fill the silence. Sadly, silence always returns. Silence has to return. Without silence, there would be no time to think. No time to reflect. No time to rest. The uncertainty of silence is necessary. No matter how terrifying it may be. Silence is essential. Though, I try as hard as I can to avoid it. I would rather spend, on average, $100 a year on headphones after headphones to ensure the silence is minimal. I reflect in the songs I hear. I reflect in the stories I create in my head. The “friends” I form around me live out the situations I want to escape. I watch them successfully escape. I watch them battle the demons I fear so much. The demons I can avoid as long as silence is kept at bay. I refuse to accept the silence. Silence terrorizes me everyday. Yet, silence wins everyday.

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