My Average is enough

With schools wrapping up all over the country, I have come to reflect a lot on grades. Not just “oh a C is suppose to mean average, yet we look down upon those with C’s.” No no. See my thoughts go a bit further down the rabbit hole. I find myself thinking about my best and what it means when I am at my best. Understand, for me personally, my best days (during summer) are waking up at 7 or 6 AM, being able to hike a trail, making dinner, baking something fun, writing a few blog posts, and maybe reading a bit. This is a day I would consider to be one of my best days. Productive. However, this is not my average day, and when I do not have this “best” day, I feel down. At night I think back to my day and feel resentment towards myself. Why did I waste another day? Why was I so lazy today? Why can’t I be better? My average day (during summer) is: wake up around 8 or 9, drink coffee, write one blog post, maybe read a bit, perhaps go outside to the park, maybe read at the park. Then come back, make a quick little dinner. The dinner could be a sandwich. Who cares. Finally, I play games on my phone. See, these are similar days, yet for me, they feel vastly different. I finish my average day and loath myself. I think about how others are accomplishing so much, and here I am doing nothing. A few days ago, I was listening to this podcast where the speaker was discussing how, after a freak accident left him paralyzed, he realized he had to stop comparing himself to himself. That this only leads to pain, and for him personally started to make him spiral into depression. I pondered this, though, for the last few days and began to realize how comparing yourself to yourself can be potentially worse than comparing to others. Now let me elaborate. Personally, when I compare myself to others, it ends with jealousy. I am jealous that I cannot do what they can do. I feel bad about myself and my limitations. However, when I compare myself to myself and what I can do on my best days, I feel self-hatred. It can be anything from 4 years ago I could spend all day baking, and now I bake one cake and am tired. It can be, last summer, I hiked 4 miles a day, yet this summer, I haven’t hiked one trail. Completely disregarding the weather and all other activities I have done in place of these hikes. All I see is this comparison. Furthermore, I only compare my best days with my average days. For example, last summer, it rained as well. Some days I could not hike. Yet I only remember my best. The best days. When I realize that my average is enough, I accept that some days will be busier and some days more relaxed. This does not mean I have failed in any way. Instead, it says I am a normal person who gets tired. I am not supposed to have only the best days. That is impossible. My average is enough. I, at my average, am enough.

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