Growing past nightmares

Every night like clockwork, I have nightmares. No matter how many times I wake up and fall back to sleep, the nightmares consist. This is not new to the blog and is something I have discussed before. What I left out before was what I started a few years ago. I began writing down my life, not like a diary but something more. When I woke up from a nightmare, I tried writing about my life as if I was trying to tell someone about it. I am not sure if it worked at the time, but this morning, I woke up scared and alone. I couldn’t breathe or move. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come out. So I just decided to get out of bed and start my day.

Part of this “starting” my day was clearing out my laptop of any junk it may have. That’s where I re-found this document. I decided to read it and try to see where my mind was at the time. As I read it, I found myself disagreeing with parts. Not disagreeing with the content but with my recollection of emotions. There were times that I found myself saying, “No, it wasn’t anger you felt it was fear,” and so on. I wonder if this is my mind remembering things differently or if through the years, I have come to better understand myself and how I cope with certain emotions.

The document is about 12 pages long. However, I found myself not being able to read past page 5. On a personal mental note, I know that up until page 5, I have almost fully coped and dealt with. However, after page 5 is still where the nightmares are born. Pages 6-12 fuel every night with terror and anxiety. All this condensed down, I find myself glad that years ago I sat down and wrote down these things. It lets me see the progress I have made, progress in understanding myself, and progress in coping with the past. Reflecting more and more on my life at the time of writing this, I know I was shaking and crying when writing the 12-page paper. I know the only thing keeping me going was the fact that I was finally able to tell someone…even if it was just my laptop. Yet now I only have nightmares about half of it; to me, that’s amazing. It is something that having not had this document to show me how far I have come, I would think I have made no progress at all. I would have thought I would be cursed forever. Yet, this document is proof that I am coping with my nightmares. I am growing and improving in my life. It gives me hope.

Below I am going to copy and paste certain lines from the first 5 pages. I will not be editing it in any way, so please excuse any grammatical errors. Certain things will be changed to keep this ramble PG. This will be shown using {}. There is no out right violence only just emotions and description of how someone spoke to me. Please stop reading if specific topics will make you anxious or panic. After the two italicize sentences I give one last summary of my thoughts.

…when he began to show interest in me I was shocked. The need for my parent’s constant attention, in that moment, felt obsolete. Here was someone who wasn’t forced by convention set by the government to love me.”

I don’t know how many times we saw each other or what happened each time, but I remember one of those times we were at a club house of sorts and inside was a movie theater with cable on it. We started to watch tv and not even two seconds into the movie, he immediately wanted a {sexual related thing}. I said no and pulled away. He started begging me telling me that he loved me and all the things I always wanted to hear. And for a moment I thought, maybe if I just gave him this {sexual related thing} he would like me, and he won’t leave me all alone. So, I did it.”

Before, I know for a fact that reading these two sentences was not easy. The first one admitted a vulnerability in myself that I refused to believe. I did not want to admit to myself I was weak to any degree. But I was emotionally vulnerable. I was a kid who was scared to be alone. It wasn’t until college that I really sat down and not only processed this but accepted this. The second quote was an event that terrifies me. It made me create a policy that some people do not like to this day. But it helps protect me. However, I can read this and process this moment. The emotions and fears are still there, but I can discuss this better. I do not feel like I am going to pass out. And without a doubt, the nightmares have begun to fade away related to this event and person. I do not remember the last time I had a nightmare surrounding this man, and that gives me hope.

Published by Kathrine

Emergency Room Nurse spends too much time thinking, reflecting, and over-analyzing every detail of life. Hoping to one day figure it all out.

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