Before I begin deviling into my thoughts I want to make sure some things are understood to the outside perspective. I fully understand and note the privilege I have to be able to have the problems I am discussing within this post. I mention things about college and having a choice to make. I know the mere fact I had this choice is something that many do not have. I have seen friends and family wishing to have this choice yet for one reason or another it was taken from them. I hope it is understood that what I am discussing goes beyond the mere choice of college and degrees.
Three years ago, I graduated high school, and my journey to college began. I knew that one of the most important choices of my life was upon me. What did I want to study? What would I be doing for the rest of my life? I had two specific careers I wanted. Sadly, I could not have both. I would have to choose one. See, I wanted to be an elementary teacher and an emergency pediatric nurse. Yes. These two jobs which only have one thing in common. Children. When I sat down and tried to decide, I made the mistake of talking to those around me.
I do believe it is good to ask for guidance on topics that can change your life. However, I relied too much on their input. See, I had people tell me horror stories on why I would hate being a teacher and how I would grow to hate myself. I chose nursing. While I do love it and enjoy every single patient interaction, I sometimes wonder if I would have chosen this by myself. The battle within myself never developed fully. I was scared to dive into why each career seemed good and bad to me. I focused solely on other people’s opinions. I was fortunate that I wanted nursing as much as I did and that I adore it. But I wonder what other life choices have I killed off because I focused on others’ opinions more than I focused on my own. How many times do I ignore my personal values and self input to accommodate the image others have of me? I have always found myself to be a very independent person, but maybe this image is flawed. Perhaps I have never had a difficult talk with myself on what I want. Do I even know how to have this talk? I try and consider the reasons why I fear having this talk with myself. I know it is not because I care what other people think. Well, at times.
There are moments where I care too much of other judgments. I will do exactly what they say to do because I fear my own judgment more than anything else. I fear that I will make the wrong mistake and live to regret it. Whether it is college, jobs, friends, lovers, even picking out a pet fish, I worry I am making a mistake. Will I be mad at myself for choosing this? If I let others decide for me, then I can regret listening to this person. The blame has been taken off of me. I can forgive myself easier, and I can move on. I do not have to sit once again, disappointed in myself.