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The battle within myself

Before I begin deviling into my thoughts I want to make sure some things are understood to the outside perspective. I fully understand and note the privilege I have to be able to have the problems I am discussing within this post. I mention things about college and having a choice to make. I know the mere fact I had this choice is something that many do not have. I have seen friends and family wishing to have this choice yet for one reason or another it was taken from them. I hope it is understood that what I am discussing goes beyond the mere choice of college and degrees.

Three years ago, I graduated high school, and my journey to college began. I knew that one of the most important choices of my life was upon me. What did I want to study? What would I be doing for the rest of my life? I had two specific careers I wanted. Sadly, I could not have both. I would have to choose one. See, I wanted to be an elementary teacher and an emergency pediatric nurse. Yes. These two jobs which only have one thing in common. Children. When I sat down and tried to decide, I made the mistake of talking to those around me.
I do believe it is good to ask for guidance on topics that can change your life. However, I relied too much on their input. See, I had people tell me horror stories on why I would hate being a teacher and how I would grow to hate myself. I chose nursing. While I do love it and enjoy every single patient interaction, I sometimes wonder if I would have chosen this by myself. The battle within myself never developed fully. I was scared to dive into why each career seemed good and bad to me. I focused solely on other people’s opinions. I was fortunate that I wanted nursing as much as I did and that I adore it. But I wonder what other life choices have I killed off because I focused on others’ opinions more than I focused on my own. How many times do I ignore my personal values and self input to accommodate the image others have of me? I have always found myself to be a very independent person, but maybe this image is flawed. Perhaps I have never had a difficult talk with myself on what I want. Do I even know how to have this talk? I try and consider the reasons why I fear having this talk with myself. I know it is not because I care what other people think. Well, at times.
There are moments where I care too much of other judgments. I will do exactly what they say to do because I fear my own judgment more than anything else. I fear that I will make the wrong mistake and live to regret it. Whether it is college, jobs, friends, lovers, even picking out a pet fish, I worry I am making a mistake. Will I be mad at myself for choosing this? If I let others decide for me, then I can regret listening to this person. The blame has been taken off of me. I can forgive myself easier, and I can move on. I do not have to sit once again, disappointed in myself.


Published by Kathrine

Emergency Room Nurse spends too much time thinking, reflecting, and over-analyzing every detail of life. Hoping to one day figure it all out.

One thought on “The battle within myself

  1. Going to college, figuring your way in the adult world and what you want to do in life, is very overwhelming and scary. But it’s ok not to have a set plan yet! Sometimes you just have to take life for what it is and take opportunities when they come. I went to school for criminology and political science, and I’m almost done with my masters in criminal justice. However, I’m actually a social worker. I didn’t intend on working in behavioral health or social work, but rather the criminal justice system. I still wish to do that, but I’m using my time as a social worker to get experience, connect with people, and work my way into my desired field. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

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