The life within my brain

I do not know when I started creating worlds within my head, worlds that filled emotional holes in my soul. Worlds that would go beyond normal imaginative play a child’s experiences. The very first world I created was to fill the void of losing my first friend. After preschool, my first ever friend moved states. We saw each other again in the first grade, but that was it—one weekend and alone once more. Soon I found myself imagining she was next to me. We would experience the world together. Everywhere I went, I would hold conversations in my head with her. Soon it developed into us having our TV show about our lives. Hence where the name of the blog steamed from. As life progressed, I moved on from having just her in my mental safe haven. I added friends who I created and named. I made them to fit my needs at the time. I would make friends to help me make choices or work through problems. They were both boys and girls. Some full adults who took me under their wings, other boys who wanted attention and affection from me. Girls who wanted nothing more than girls nights and to talk about our issues. These worlds filled needs that some days I wasn’t even aware that I had. When I walked into unknown situations or felt my self panicking, I would retreat into this world I had made and worked through my fears and reality with them. During family vacations, when I would fight with my parents, I imagined I was on a trip with my friends in my head. If I broke up with someone, my friends and I would have movie nights and pretend we were happy. They would knock on my bedroom door and have food and drink waiting for me. In reality, I would sneak downstairs and grab drinks and snacks and imagine that they were the ones who had brought it to me. I built a life in my head, a life I would do anything to have become a reality. Some days I wondered if I was just crazy, others I knew I wouldn’t want life any other way. These worlds prepared me to find conquer the world I live in today. I wonder when it will be time to say goodbye and if I will ever be ready. Is it even possible to say goodbye to my world? Will I still be me? These worlds and the friends I have built comfort me during times that I am alone, fearful, anxious, sad, and more. They are my crutch in this world. I fear not being able to cope with reality without them.

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