Where were you?

Where were you? Where were you when I needed you the most? When I was spending every night crying myself to sleep, why were you not there? Why did you give up on me? Why did you find it funny watching yourself collapse? Why was it funny watching us destroying ourselves? I know you had given up on us, on me but you know better than anyone else we were trying our hardest. We spent years treading the turbulent waters around us. We spent years fighting to get ahead. Why did you decide to leave? When I needed you the most, you left me with fear, anxiety, pain, jealousy, and more. You let me fall for traps laid out by men whose only concern was their own physical satisfaction. You allowed me to believe in dreams that I could never obtain. You allowed me to fall. See, when you left joy, happiness, passion, and love left too. Without you hope, I couldn’t feel much of anything. I was left to believe everything that was said to me. I let the words shape my view of myself. I let their actions shape me.
When you did finally come back, you struggled to clear a path for yourself. You found distrust, little faith, and broken dreams. Hope I saw you struggle to work through the rumbles of broken friendships and love. I watch you put together my shattered, broken pieces. I watched as you carefully maneuvered around my sharp edges. Careful to not tear yourself apart. Wary that I did not lash out. When I was finally starting to see the light again, you left me once more. I began to doubt you, and you proved me right. You began to be covered once more by the pain of the past. You left me once more. I crashed harder than I have ever crashed before. Made mistakes that I can never take back. Mistakes that will haunt me. I see you knocking at the door right now. I hear you begging to come home. I speak with you every night. But I am sorry. I do not know if I am ready to let you come home. I am afraid you will leave me once more. I am terrified of you.

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