Over the last couple of years, I have felt the need to change. Not just for me but for those around me, and the family I hope to someday build. I had hit a rut, a big one. I spent every night drunk off my butt and running from my problems. I would meet complete strangers to be sure I could drown out the silence. I would do anything I could to ensure I never had to sit in my own silence. All of these things have been mentioned to some capacity within the history of this blog. However, every time I mention any of these topics, I immediately say I am working on changing and winning this internal battle to change. I write these words despite feeling like nothing is changing, and I am losing this battle.
Nevertheless, last night as I was wrangling drunks to come inside the hotel, I work third shift at, it clicked. This use to be me. I was this drunk person clinging onto a stranger hoping for something. I use to be this person, but I do not know who she is anymore.
I am changing. I am growing. Three years ago, if I saw any type of alcohol in front of me, I would run to it. I would do whatever I could to fog up my brain and forget. Now I ignore the 12 pack my roommate has in the fridge, despite her buying it for me. Three years ago, any flirtatious movement from any man would have me weak at the knees. Now I find myself turning almost every guy that has come my way. While it is not many at all, it is still progress. Three years ago, I had a list of men on my phone that I could call at a drop of a hat, and they would give me attention, sex, alcohol, money, or more. Now I only have a list of my closest friends on my speed dial. Three years ago, I would spend every night at my friend’s place, despite having a dorm room all to myself. The fact that I had the room to myself is why I would spend every night there. Now I am packing to move into my own place, a one-bedroom apartment just for me.
Instead of being afraid of the idea, I am excited. I welcome it. I am thrilled to finish school. I am excited to move into my own place. I am excited about life, a feeling that I had missing from me since I was eleven years old. I am excited about what’s to come. I still have demons that I am battling every day and thoughts that intrude my every action, but for the first time in years, I am excited about my future. I can feel myself going forward. I can feel myself becoming the person that little me would be proud to see.