**Warning: Suicide is mentioned in the post. Although I have never had thoughts both currently or in the past of suicide I think its important to mention that those who always betray themselves as happy are not in fact always happy. This is a friendly reminder to check on your happy friends. Don’t push or force them to talk if they don’t want to. Let them know that you are there for them if they are feeling down. Hope you enjoy the post!**
If I allowed you to see who I really was would you stay by my side? If I opened up the doors to my past would you judge me? If you know me like you think you know me would we even still be friends? These are the things that I think about while sleep struggles to find me in the background.One of my biggest regrets is hiding parts of myself from everyone that I know and love. I used to feel like if I opened up and told the ones that I loved about my past then they would judge me. If they knew all of me — my fears, my dreams, my hopes, that they would come to the conclusion that I am not good enough to be their friend. I’d be left behind like dirt and have to navigate this big, scary world all by myself. I’ve left my mark as the “Happy friend” . I’m not allowed to have problems or go through things, that’s simply not my brand— the brand that I created for myself. Being the “happy friend” is so much work. It’s basically a full-time job. I wake up with the sun because if I sleep too late “somethings wrong”, I get dressed, mask my smile, throw on my cape and prepare myself to cater to the needs of everyone around me. Because that’s what they need. They need somebody to be there for them because they’ve never had that person throughout their lives. I found my niche in society. I fix people. I fix people so well that they go on and live their lives not needing me anymore. Then what about me? I write them off like tax credits. I label them a “Lost One” They’ll go down in the history books as being one of my best friends. Someone I once lived for, someone I’d die for when the relationship wasn’t even reciprocated. “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” And I most certainly don’t want to be the villain. I don’t want to hide behind hallowed defeated smiles like Robin Williams. I don’t want my last words to be, “Nobody will ever know I existed. Nothing to leave behind me. Nothing to pass on. Nobody to mourn me” like Tony Hancock. There are so many names of so many people whose job was to make everyone else happy that they neglected to make themselves happy first. Although I don’t want to live the lifestyle of a villain I do not want to be that type of hero. I am the victor. Although I have my scars from previous battles I am not forever damaged. I have the capacity to fix myself. I am a work in progress. I simply have to retire my cape, un-mask my fake smile, dethrone myself as the “happy friend” and allow myself to truly be seen.