I am not okay

**The first paragraph has a few hyperlinks. These are only if you are interested in other blog postings that relate to the sentence I wrote, where the link is located.**

I haven’t written for the blog in over two months. That doesn’t mean that I don’t spend every single day thinking about this blog. I want to write, I just don’t have the energy. I don’t have the motivation. I stopped therapy. No, I failed therapy. She would ask me questions, and I would dodge them better than a trained politician on an influential debate night. Eventually, I just stopped making follow up appointments. It wasn’t worth it. I’ve started looking at myself in the mirror and hating more and more of what I saw. I began buying clothing after clothing, hoping to feel beautiful again. Hoping to have joy from something as simple as a shirt. Yet my hatred of myself only grows.
I began shutting down in school. I stopped caring. I study the night before, sometimes, which my type A personality would have never allowed before.
For the first time ever, anger is my primary emotion. I am angry at my classmates for needing so much of me. I am angry at my classmates for becoming annoyed with me when I snap at them. I am outraged at my classmates for no longer needing me.
I am angry at my friends for avoiding me. I am angry at my friends for not seeing that I am not okay. I am angry at my friends for having lives of their own. I am angry at my friends for not recognizing that I am not okay despite saying that every day. I am angry at my friends for not noticing that I am not okay despite drinking every night and posting about it so publicly. I am angry at my friends for ignoring my manic spending of $500 in one month. I am angry at my friends for texting me less and less unless I start the conversation. Unless I poke and prod about their lives. God forbid, I mention myself. The conversation dies. Yet I know it is because I will take over the conversation. I will talk about myself.
Not because I am full of myself, but because I am not okay. I am screaming for someone to listen. I am so angry at everyone for not caring, for not noticing. I am furious at everyone for not doing what I cannot even do for myself, for not fixing me. I am furious at myself. I have once again failed myself. I have fallen into old traps. I have blamed everyone around me for my personal failures. I am tired. I am so tired of being angry. I am tired of not being okay. I just want one person to notice that I am not okay. I am far from okay.

Published by Kathrine

Emergency Room Nurse spends too much time thinking, reflecting, and over-analyzing every detail of life. Hoping to one day figure it all out.

2 thoughts on “I am not okay

  1. Dude, this shit’s rough. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, sadly I can relate 🖤 it’s awesome that you blogged for the first time in a couple months though, writing can help sometimes.

    Like

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