Since my last post, so much has changed once again. I debated writing after the breakup and explaining it. However, I don’t think it would have fully encompassed everything I have learned about myself and what I think I need. Let me explain. My golden boy was someone who made me feel the same way my first real love made me feel, and I clung to that feeling. I felt that whirlwind of emotions. I ignored all the red flags. I dismissed when I began making a list of things I “needed” to change. I told myself that this is normal. That these are things that every relationship will have. I ignored how every time I tried to tell him my opinion or what hurt me, he turned it around and said, “do you know how that makes me feel. To hear you say____”. I ignored how I needed to change and accept his critiques, but I could have none of my own. The list just kept growing. Everything leads to a conversation about him leaving me. Time frames were established on when certain behaviors needed to be changed. I needed to change. Yet, he would say he loved me, and I was perfect. He would tell me how I was everything he always wanted. I felt almost perfect.
I needed to keep changing for him, so I could stay “perfect,” and I did. I bought new clothing since he hated when I wore t-shirts. I bought new shoes because he liked girls to only wear heels. I changed how I texted, for he hated how I texted. I began sitting in a room with zero distractions to speak to him on the phone and decrease how much I wandered off in conversation. I began hiding my panic attacks when we would have sex. Because I knew he hated them. He told me how it made him feel bad when I freaked out, and he told me I had to stop this. I had two years. He gave me the time frame of two years, yet every time I flinched, panicked or moved him, he would rant about the effect it had on him. He would tell me how guilty and horrible my panic attacks made him feel. So I did what I learned to do long ago. I buried it. I disassociated from us having sex. The panic attacks stopped. He got happier. Yet, I had more I could change. I had more I “needed” to change. The list only grew and grew. One night he gave me a three-hour speech about how he felt he was not a priority in my life because I was constantly checking on my cat and refusing to leave Simba (cat) alone for over 12 hours. He also felt he was not a priority because I would tell him no to hanging out if I already had plans with my family. The speech also revolved around me sending him pictures of myself when I’m out with friends, and he is at his apartment alone. He asked me not to text him if I am with other people because it made him mad. So I stopped. I also slowly decreased just how much time I spent with others without him. Finally, he asked me…no, he told me..we could never have kids because it would mean his life would be over. He asked me to tell him that I was okay with never having kids and not fostering kids nor dogs. He said that if I couldn’t agree to never have kids, we HAD to break up.
I am a firm believer that not everyone needs nor should have kids. I think that the conversation of children is a highly personal and private topic. So when he first asked me this, I looked at it from the lens of him not wanting children because of his mental health. Which is what he told me. I was honest. I told him I wanted children. I want nothing more than to have a family and dogs. The last thing I ever want to do is lie to someone about something so important and life-changing. After I told him no, everything shifted. He began acting like I told him I murdered someone. We broke up, and he refused to text me. He said it hurt too much. He was hurt that I “didn’t choose him.” That I didn’t put him above my want of children. That I didn’t make him my priority. Weeks passed by, and he refused to text me back. He refused to take his stuff back and give me mine.
During this period, I began reading through my list and thinking back to our hour upon hours conversations. Conversations where he listed all the things wrong with me and how he would stop loving me and would leave me if I did not change these things. I realized that he was not this Golden Boy I had created in my head. Instead, he was someone there to give me the constant attention I craved; craved since I was 10 years old. He was there to make me feel wanted and special. Something that I hadn’t felt in a while. Something I desperately wanted to be.
A month passed by, and I finally see his name come up on my screen. He was ready to meet and exchange our stuff. At first, he wanted to come over to my place, but I told him that wasn’t possible. I had a gut feeling that he would not leave if he did come over. Instead, I offered to go to his place. I brought a friend just in case. The entire time I saw him, he was saying one or two words to me. He refused to make eye contact. He seemed hurt, which was perfectly fine. I knew this was hard for both of us. After I left, he texted me one last time, saying he would delete me and that he did not want to talk ever again. The Golden boy came and went in about three months. Leaving me with only more questions and fears about myself.
Some of the list: me or i’m = Golden boy , you = this writer
- Don’t freak out in sex – 2 year time limit
- Work on physical more- do at least 20 squats a day
- Dress up more – “but if putting in physical effort at all is something you don’t like or want, then we need to discuss that” (direct quote from a text this writer was sent)
- Fix how you text
- Show me that I am a priority
- Don’t talk about children, getting dogs
- Don’t eat mayo – if you do then brush your teeth before you kiss any part of me.
- (referring to one time that I ate mayo then kissed his arm)
- Don’t send me messages when you are doing a lot
- Don’t send video’s of you hanging out with friends when i’m stressed or feeling down
Expression of my life 