I was hoping that maybe posting it somewhere makes the burning desire to scream it at the top of my lungs dissipate. I had mentioned before that I was engaged. Engaged to a man who, at the time, I believed was the best I could do. The absolute best. To me, he was everything I needed. Every time we fought, I “knew” it was because of me. I “knew” that if I were only better, more obedient, then the fights would cease. The mental and physical pain would stop.
I start and stop. Start and stop. Write then quit. Draft after draft. 100 words are written, and 100 words are deleted. How much more until I just give up. I have so much I want to say but just as much doubt, hatred, and exhaustion. Doubt in my abilities to share my thoughts. HatredContinue reading “Opening The Can”
Stay busy. Write. Read. Play video games. Date. Hang out with friends. Be the world’s best cat mom. Study to be a better nurse. Study to learn more. Study to feel like you are smart and that you belong. Strive for better. Be better. Just be better. I have spent the last four years strivingContinue reading “Drowning in my own ambitions”
**The first paragraph has a few hyperlinks. These are only if you are interested in other blog postings that relate to the sentence I wrote, where the link is located.** I haven’t written for the blog in over two months. That doesn’t mean that I don’t spend every single day thinking about this blog. IContinue reading “I am not okay”
Is it wrong to somedays not want to feel joy? Is it wrong to say that on days that I feel calm, happy, and collected, I resent myself a bit? I dislike myself because by accepting this joy and calmness, I lose my ability to reflect and write. See, when I am happy, the lastContinue reading “Finding Comfort in my Sadness”
A couple years back, I sat myself down and realized I needed to change. I began seeking help. Help outside of friends and family. Help outside of myself. The only person who knew I was seeking any type of professional assistance was my now ex-boyfriend. I never told anyone else and, to this day, stillContinue reading “Why am I less than Human?”
**Warning: Suicide is mentioned in the post. Although I have never had thoughts both currently or in the past of suicide I think its important to mention that those who always betray themselves as happy are not in fact always happy. This is a friendly reminder to check on your happy friends. Don’t push orContinue reading “A Tale of Glory”
As I previously explored in the first installment of “Attachment to Broken Men”, my relationship to men has never been healthy nor productive. In continuing this series, I have decided to explore my past relationships in a meaningful way to learn from these experiences and maybe one day change for the better. Instead of beginningContinue reading “Attachment to Broken Men: The catalyst”
Would you believe me if I told you I was broken? Would you believe me if I told you that you broke me? You walked so cleanly out of my life once before. What’s stopping you from doing it again? Yes, I know I told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.Continue reading “Would You Believe Me If I Told You I Was Broken?”
My life has been filled with vile and unforgiving men. While I had my reasons for staying in these situations, the only excuse I had was myself. I feared to break these bonds. I feared falling for a guy who would put me first. Who never had to questions his love and his intentions. BecauseContinue reading “Attachment to the Broken Ones”
I moved here two years ago with high hopes and big dreams and a phone full of contacts that haven’t been touched in months. I always thought that college would be like the movies. I’d be drinking and partying and living my best life. It didn’t even take two months for me to decide thatContinue reading “Where do we go from here”
A year ago I tweeted, “working on my character check back in soon.” I did so with every intention of working on my character. The person who I wanted to be didn’t meet the expectations of the person looking back at me into the mirror. I didn’t really know what exactly it was that IContinue reading “Safe Haven Part I: The Problem”
When asked about “love” she defines “loss.” She is the type of girl that motivates everyone else to follow their dreams while seemingly letting hers drift slowly away. She is the girl with infinite amounts of love to give while she struggles to receive it. She is the type of girl when asked about loveContinue reading “Keeper”
Every night like clockwork, I have nightmares. No matter how many times I wake up and fall back to sleep, the nightmares consist. This is not new to the blog and is something I have discussed before. What I left out before was what I started a few years ago. I began writing down myContinue reading “Growing past nightmares”
…do not ever invalidate someone’s emotions. The person may seem to be dramatic, extra, annoying, loner, or whatever the case may be to you, but this just might be their way of coping with emotions they do not know how to handle. Emotions that to them scare them and consume them. Your experience with anxiety is not the only experience possible.
In the past, I have had people come in and out of my lives. Some leaving memories behind and others leaving scars. I fear either happening again. I do not want to think back to you and only see memories. I do not want to feel like I am nothing but a moment in yourContinue reading “I’m sorry”
Every morning I wake up, and my hand immediately reaches down. I feel for my stomach. Is it flat today? Can I feel my ribs? How much do I need to suck in before I can? I turn to my side and feel my stomach from one side to the next. Is it flat? HowContinue reading “The battle with myself”
My mind is in its own little world. Trudging through unknown battles. I am not ignoring you and your inquires. I hear you just fine and yearn to respond. I just can’t describe to you what I am feeling. I have to practice what I wish to say. I try and speak, but words do not leave my mouth.
I lay in bed and beg myself to sleep. Beg myself to look past the terror that I know will fill my nights. Beg myself to close my eyes and dream of a place that I will be okay. As the hours come and go, I toss and turn until finally my body breaks. I cannot force my eyes open any longer, and sleep takes over. Every night the rest defeats my body’s tedious battle. Every night the same nightmare fills my unconscious mind. My mind screams for an escape
It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome. William James When embarking on any new journey, I often wonder, “is it worth it.” Is trying to accomplish this new goal or mission worth the chance I will fail. More often than not,Continue reading “The Fear of Failure”
A year from now, I will begin a new journey. I will no longer be a college student. I will no longer be a student. I will be a real adult. I will be a nurse. In a year from now, life will change a lot. I find myself longing for the freedom I willContinue reading “A year from now”
Promise me you won’t leave. Promise me when I wake you will be there. Promise me you will not abandon me. Every action I take is to ensure that you will not leave. You want to hang out, sure. I will ignore my 10-page paper to hang out. Sure I will lose sleep tonight soContinue reading “Please stay”
Silence. Silence consumes everything it can. When a room has been stricken by silence, thoughts rage on within my head. I look out into the room of people that surround me. Are they judging me? Should I not have worn this shirt? Should I have skipped breakfast today? Is my hair a mess? Are they tryingContinue reading “The terror of silence”
I was embarrassed because I knew he would ask to see this thing I was so proud of. Yes. I was embarrassed because he would see what I was proud of. It makes little sense. But I had a genuine fear that this thing that I considered to be amazing would be viewed as stupid, as worthless, and I would be looked down upon for liking it.