Attachment to Broken Men: Struggling to Survive.

I was hoping that maybe posting it somewhere makes the burning desire to scream it at the top of my lungs dissipate. I had mentioned before that I was engaged. Engaged to a man who, at the time, I believed was the best I could do. The absolute best. To me, he was everything I needed. Every time we fought, I “knew” it was because of me. I “knew” that if I were only better, more obedient, then the fights would cease. The mental and physical pain would stop.

Opening The Can

I start and stop. Start and stop. Write then quit. Draft after draft. 100 words are written, and 100 words are deleted. How much more until I just give up. I have so much I want to say but just as much doubt, hatred, and exhaustion. Doubt in my abilities to share my thoughts. Hatred

Drowning in my own ambitions

Stay busy. Write. Read. Play video games. Date. Hang out with friends. Be the world’s best cat mom. Study to be a better nurse. Study to learn more. Study to feel like you are smart and that you belong. Strive for better. Be better. Just be better. I have spent the last four years striving

I am not okay

**The first paragraph has a few hyperlinks. These are only if you are interested in other blog postings that relate to the sentence I wrote, where the link is located.** I haven’t written for the blog in over two months. That doesn’t mean that I don’t spend every single day thinking about this blog. I

Why am I less than Human?

A couple years back, I sat myself down and realized I needed to change. I began seeking help. Help outside of friends and family. Help outside of myself. The only person who knew I was seeking any type of professional assistance was my now ex-boyfriend. I never told anyone else and, to this day, still

A Tale of Glory

**Warning: Suicide is mentioned in the post. Although I have never had thoughts both currently or in the past of suicide I think its important to mention that those who always betray themselves as happy are not in fact always happy. This is a friendly reminder to check on your happy friends. Don’t push or

Attachment to Broken Men: The catalyst

As I previously explored in the first installment of “Attachment to Broken Men”, my relationship to men has never been healthy nor productive. In continuing this series, I have decided to explore my past relationships in a meaningful way to learn from these experiences and maybe one day change for the better. Instead of beginning

Would You Believe Me If I Told You I Was Broken?

Would you believe me if I told you I was broken? Would you believe me if I told you that you broke me? You walked so cleanly out of my life once before. What’s stopping you from doing it again? Yes, I know I told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.

Attachment to the Broken Ones

My life has been filled with vile and unforgiving men. While I had my reasons for staying in these situations, the only excuse I had was myself. I feared to break these bonds. I feared falling for a guy who would put me first. Who never had to questions his love and his intentions. Because

Where do we go from here

I moved here two years ago with high hopes and big dreams and a phone full of contacts that haven’t been touched in months. I always thought that college would be like the movies. I’d be drinking and partying and living my best life. It didn’t even take two months for me to decide that

Safe Haven Part I: The Problem

A year ago I tweeted, “working on my character check back in soon.” I did so with every intention of working on my character. The person who I wanted to be didn’t meet the expectations of the person looking back at me into the mirror. I didn’t really know what exactly it was that I

Keeper

When asked about “love” she defines “loss.”  She is the type of girl that motivates everyone else to follow their dreams while seemingly letting hers drift slowly away. She is the girl with infinite amounts of love to give while she struggles to receive it. She is the type of girl when asked about love

Growing past nightmares

Every night like clockwork, I have nightmares. No matter how many times I wake up and fall back to sleep, the nightmares consist. This is not new to the blog and is something I have discussed before. What I left out before was what I started a few years ago. I began writing down my

Anxiety does not have a singular form.

…do not ever invalidate someone’s emotions. The person may seem to be dramatic, extra, annoying, loner, or whatever the case may be to you, but this just might be their way of coping with emotions they do not know how to handle. Emotions that to them scare them and consume them. Your experience with anxiety is not the only experience possible.

I’m sorry

In the past, I have had people come in and out of my lives. Some leaving memories behind and others leaving scars. I fear either happening again. I do not want to think back to you and only see memories. I do not want to feel like I am nothing but a moment in your

The battle with myself

Every morning I wake up, and my hand immediately reaches down. I feel for my stomach. Is it flat today? Can I feel my ribs? How much do I need to suck in before I can? I turn to my side and feel my stomach from one side to the next. Is it flat? How

Please be patient

My mind is in its own little world. Trudging through unknown battles. I am not ignoring you and your inquires. I hear you just fine and yearn to respond. I just can’t describe to you what I am feeling. I have to practice what I wish to say. I try and speak, but words do not leave my mouth.

Nightmare Fueled Nights

I lay in bed and beg myself to sleep. Beg myself to look past the terror that I know will fill my nights. Beg myself to close my eyes and dream of a place that I will be okay. As the hours come and go, I toss and turn until finally my body breaks. I cannot force my eyes open any longer, and sleep takes over. Every night the rest defeats my body’s tedious battle. Every night the same nightmare fills my unconscious mind. My mind screams for an escape

The Fear of Failure

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome. William James When embarking on any new journey, I often wonder, “is it worth it.” Is trying to accomplish this new goal or mission worth the chance I will fail. More often than not,

A year from now

A year from now, I will begin a new journey. I will no longer be a college student. I will no longer be a student. I will be a real adult. I will be a nurse. In a year from now, life will change a lot. I find myself longing for the freedom I will

Please stay

Promise me you won’t leave. Promise me when I wake you will be there. Promise me you will not abandon me. Every action I take is to ensure that you will not leave. You want to hang out, sure. I will ignore my 10-page paper to hang out. Sure I will lose sleep tonight so

The terror of silence

Silence. Silence consumes everything it can. When a room has been stricken by silence, thoughts rage on within my head. I look out into the room of people that surround me. Are they judging me? Should I not have worn this shirt? Should I have skipped breakfast today? Is my hair a mess? Are they trying

Disregard my interests

I was embarrassed because I knew he would ask to see this thing I was so proud of. Yes. I was embarrassed because he would see what I was proud of. It makes little sense. But I had a genuine fear that this thing that I considered to be amazing would be viewed as stupid, as worthless, and I would be looked down upon for liking it.