Drowning in my own ambitions

Stay busy. Write. Read. Play video games. Date. Hang out with friends. Be the world’s best cat mom. Study to be a better nurse. Study to learn more. Study to feel like you are smart and that you belong. Strive for better. Be better. Just be better. I have spent the last four years strivingContinue reading “Drowning in my own ambitions”

Finding Comfort in my Sadness

Is it wrong to somedays not want to feel joy? Is it wrong to say that on days that I feel calm, happy, and collected, I resent myself a bit? I dislike myself because by accepting this joy and calmness, I lose my ability to reflect and write. See, when I am happy, the lastContinue reading “Finding Comfort in my Sadness”

The Glorification of Abuse in Media

Over the last few years, I began noticing how society communicates within itself. I noted how much murder, crime, violence, and sex are glorified. What caught me the most off guard is the glorification of abuse. I can and will, at the bottom of this post, name just a few movies and TV shows that,Continue reading “The Glorification of Abuse in Media”

To my angel in Heaven

It has been two years now. Two years since arguably the worse day of my life. I have so many questions. Yet, I know they will never be answered. I have so many things that I want to say to you. First off, I do think of you often. Every single day you cross myContinue reading “To my angel in Heaven”

Validate me

Growing up, I never had any social media. The only social media I had was Facebook, made when I was eight, and a Snapchat. Personally, I do not count Snapchat. I used it more for texting than anything else. It was not until recently that I began posting on my story. It was not untilContinue reading “Validate me”

Attachment to Broken Men: The catalyst

As I previously explored in the first installment of “Attachment to Broken Men”, my relationship to men has never been healthy nor productive. In continuing this series, I have decided to explore my past relationships in a meaningful way to learn from these experiences and maybe one day change for the better. Instead of beginningContinue reading “Attachment to Broken Men: The catalyst”

Wallowing in Sorrow

I never believe in saying that because I had particular life struggles, I understand everyone who has struggles. This is not the case and will never be the case. Everyone has their problems and reactions to their problems. However, how someone treats their issues and struggles defines how I see them in my head. WhatContinue reading “Wallowing in Sorrow”

Stories from Night Shift: Part 1

I never questioned it or my actions. When I went inside and told my coworker what happened, I was met with a natural fluid motion. No hesitation. Housekeeping understood immediately, and a whistle was brought out in seconds. Then I was left on my own. When they asked me personal information, the lies about my engagement flowed out my mouth as natural as can be. This should not be the case. I should not be this well trained to handle inappropriate old men. I wonder at what age do girls start to pick up on these cues. When does it become second nature to defend ourselves? When do we become conditioned this way?

New Beginnings

Over the last couple of years, I have felt the need to change. Not just for me but for those around me, and the family I hope to someday build. I had hit a rut, a big one. I spent every night drunk off my butt and running from my problems. I would meet completeContinue reading “New Beginnings”

Shattered

Every day I wake up and put on a smile, a hollow, defeated smile. This becomes almost ritualistic. Nothing changes. Everything stays relatively the same. Each morning I follow a routine. Wake up, reply to everyone on my phone, dance around my room, and drink my coffee. I am continuously on my phone messaging peopleContinue reading “Shattered”

Where do we go from here

I moved here two years ago with high hopes and big dreams and a phone full of contacts that haven’t been touched in months. I always thought that college would be like the movies. I’d be drinking and partying and living my best life. It didn’t even take two months for me to decide thatContinue reading “Where do we go from here”

Safe Haven Part I: The Problem

A year ago I tweeted, “working on my character check back in soon.” I did so with every intention of working on my character. The person who I wanted to be didn’t meet the expectations of the person looking back at me into the mirror. I didn’t really know what exactly it was that IContinue reading “Safe Haven Part I: The Problem”

Words that momentarily break you

Because I am a natural observer, often silenced until called upon to speak, I tend to pay very close attention to the words that people say to each other.  I know this may seem blatantly obvious to some and oblivious to others (the difference that only two letters make), but words have meanings. Some peopleContinue reading “Words that momentarily break you”

Like learning how to read

One of my favorite poets, Pierre Jeanty, once wrote, “what made us fall in love is exactly what ruined us.” And to be completely honest, that really messed me up. But it made me start to think. There’s always those moments in life that happen so fast that you are completely and utterly swept offContinue reading “Like learning how to read”

The family rock

“You are our family rock.” “You are my rock.” “You keep me going.” Words that as a child, I adored hearing. I did not see how these words grew to change who I was and who I was becoming. As a child, I lived for these words of affection. It made me feel like IContinue reading “The family rock”

In love I had lost hope

Before I met you, I wondered if love would ever find me. I wondered if I was worthy of that kind of attention and admiration. Did I even know what love was? Would I recognize it if it showed up at my doorstep? I watched my parents thrive, the perfect couple, together since they wereContinue reading “In love I had lost hope”

The battle within myself

….How many times do I ignore my personal values and self input to accommodate the image others have of me? I have always found myself to be a very independent person, but maybe this image is flawed. Perhaps I have never had a difficult talk with myself on what I want. Do I even know how to have this talk? … I fear my own judgment more than anything else.

What now?

This blog is a documentation of the thoughts that consume my mind looking for an escape. What if I disappoint the people who came to listen to what I had to say on those topics. What if they don’t care for the rest? What if they leave? That last question baffles me. Like I said before, I started this blog with zero intentions of it going anywhere. I was using it as a therapy for myself. Just because I have followers reading now, that should not change why or how I write. Yet, I find myself having to force myself to write freely.

Anxiety does not have a singular form.

…do not ever invalidate someone’s emotions. The person may seem to be dramatic, extra, annoying, loner, or whatever the case may be to you, but this just might be their way of coping with emotions they do not know how to handle. Emotions that to them scare them and consume them. Your experience with anxiety is not the only experience possible.

The first pet I lost

I couldn’t handle the idea that she would not be here anymore, and to cope, I decided to act like I didn’t love her. I would play with my dog and ignore her. I still slept with her and did everything I had to do to keep her comfortable, but I tried as hard as possible to limit our time together. I couldn’t handle the pain without her. She was my best friend. She always knew exactly what to do to make me smile, and I treated her like nothing when she needed me most. She didn’t understand my pain. She didn’t understand why I was afraid to love her. She didn’t know.

Choosing family

Growing up, I never understood family, or what it stood for. As I have grown and explored more of what the world has to offer, I have discovered what family truly means. Family is not blood. Family is not a draw of the stick luck. Family is not your mother’s uncle’s son. Family is love.Continue reading “Choosing family”

How I am learning to love myself

As someone who struggles to look at herself in the mirror some days without crying, learning to love how I look is not easy. It is not something that, after a few days, I have mastered. There is no hack. Some days one thing will work, and other days another will work. It is not a science. It is a constant battle

Fading Allure

In life, both internally and externally, I care too fast and too hard. I find an interest or hobbies, and it consumes me. While this can be beneficial in learning new things quickly, the toll it takes is excruciating. Internally I find a part of myself I like, and I hyper-focus on it. I caterContinue reading “Fading Allure”

What is love?

Last night someone whom I once babysat texted me. She asked me for advice on love. Specifically, how to know that you are in love. I texted her that love was a complicated thing, and you know. However, last night as I tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, I thought more and more onContinue reading “What is love?”

My Average is enough

When I realize that my average is enough, I accept that some days will be busier and some days more relaxed. This does not mean I have failed in any way. Instead, it says I am a normal person who gets tired. I am not supposed to have only the best days. That is impossible. My average is enough. I, at my average, am enough.

An Expert in Training

See 5 months ago, I had all these plans and expectations of what I was going to do with my new found hobby. Then I tried it, and I failed. I sucked. My roommate could not help but laugh as my fingers stumbled over the yarn and made knots where there should not have been any. That same day I started, I stopped. “My hands just are made for this. They are not steady enough.” I say this despite the fact that I have to put IV in people, have given shots, and more. These things require the exact skill I swore I need for knitting. I stopped because, in my head, I had already created fantasy land where once I picked up the string, I would be an expert.

Focus on the road

If I focus too much on the present with no care of my future, I again wreck my car. Life is like this. We need to be able to look ahead and see our future. It is okay to glance around and enjoy the moments passing by, but we cannot dwell on these trivial things and risk never reaching our intended destination.

Your actions show the deception in your words

Words are from the lips, actions are from the heart.  Rashida Costa I can speak a thousand words to you and mean only two of them. Yet, you would never know. I can hear someone tell me stories of how they will be better, do better, do this and do that, yet they never do.Continue reading “Your actions show the deception in your words”

One amazing Moment

I have watched patients die, held the hands of patients who trusted me enough to be vulnerable around me. I have held parents, daughters, sons, families, friends as they watch the ones they love pass. I have had the honor of hearing patients tell me about their lives. The joy in their eyes when they speak about their past. Soon I began to note a trend. My patients all would talk to me of their history and families, but each and everyone had one story, one incredible moment in their lives.

Lessons from my dog

She tries her best every single day to live a “normal” dog life. Every day she pushes past her fears. She may analyze every step she takes. She looks out onto our floors with determination to cross the room without tripping herself up. She looks upon stairs with fear and determination. I watch as she takes 5 maybe 6 minutes sometimes to begin her climb up the stairs. She puts one paw down and takes it off. She repeats the process over and over again.

Grateful for the pain

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.  –Chuck Palahniuk When we hear the word pain, most of us retract, protect ourselves. Whether this is physical protection or mental protection, it does not matter. Human nature is to protect. Yet, while I do not enjoy pain in any shape or form, I am grateful for pain.Continue reading “Grateful for the pain”

Who am I?

College graduations are all around us. People are graduating and being told, “Welcome to the rest of your life.” They are being expected to chose who they are and what they want from life. They are pressured to find a job and be successful. Chose whether or not to spend around $100,000 more on graduateContinue reading “Who am I?”