I start and stop. Start and stop. Write then quit. Draft after draft. 100 words are written, and 100 words are deleted. How much more until I just give up. I have so much I want to say but just as much doubt, hatred, and exhaustion. Doubt in my abilities to share my thoughts. HatredContinue reading “Opening The Can”
Since my last post, so much has changed once again. I debated writing after the breakup and explaining it. However, I don’t think it would have fully encompassed everything I have learned about myself and what I think I need. Let me explain. My golden boy was someone who made me feel the same wayContinue reading “A Golden Boy or Desperation to be Wanted?”
Attachment to Broken Men is a series I started where I dive into the men from my past, and I analyze how they have affected and shaped who I am today. This will be the third instalment but not the last. Overall, The Golden Boy is different. At the time that I am writing this,Continue reading “Attachment to Broken Men: The Golden Boy”
Stay busy. Write. Read. Play video games. Date. Hang out with friends. Be the world’s best cat mom. Study to be a better nurse. Study to learn more. Study to feel like you are smart and that you belong. Strive for better. Be better. Just be better. I have spent the last four years strivingContinue reading “Drowning in my own ambitions”
**The first paragraph has a few hyperlinks. These are only if you are interested in other blog postings that relate to the sentence I wrote, where the link is located.** I haven’t written for the blog in over two months. That doesn’t mean that I don’t spend every single day thinking about this blog. IContinue reading “I am not okay”
Year after year, I hear people complaining about birthdays. They don’t want to make a big deal out of it. They don’t care. They don’t understand why people waste money and time on a day that “doesn’t” matter. Personally, I don’t understand this narrative. For me, birthday matters. Birthdays are a celebration. It is aContinue reading “Birthdays”
To preface this story, I have to give a slight background. I was born in Puerto Rico to a family that they were born and raised there. My mother’s great-great-grandfather came straight from Spain to my small island. Until my parents, no one had really left the island. I have been raised in a familyContinue reading “Stories from Night Shift: Hidden Ethnicity”
Is it wrong to somedays not want to feel joy? Is it wrong to say that on days that I feel calm, happy, and collected, I resent myself a bit? I dislike myself because by accepting this joy and calmness, I lose my ability to reflect and write. See, when I am happy, the lastContinue reading “Finding Comfort in my Sadness”
Over the last few years, I began noticing how society communicates within itself. I noted how much murder, crime, violence, and sex are glorified. What caught me the most off guard is the glorification of abuse. I can and will, at the bottom of this post, name just a few movies and TV shows that,Continue reading “The Glorification of Abuse in Media”
This post will be written over the next couple of weeks. It will look into the process of not only receiving but experiencing therapy here in the USA. This first part will look into the process of getting therapy. Once my appointment date comes and goes, I will post this. After that I will beginContinue reading “Journey into Therapy”
In my last post, I told you guys the story of one of the rape victims in my country. Just like I said before, rape isn’t something new in the society; it has been there right from time. But it is something that hasn’t been given it’s due justice in the society. Why should weContinue reading “WHY SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT RAPE?”
It has been two years now. Two years since arguably the worse day of my life. I have so many questions. Yet, I know they will never be answered. I have so many things that I want to say to you. First off, I do think of you often. Every single day you cross myContinue reading “To my angel in Heaven”
Growing up, I never had any social media. The only social media I had was Facebook, made when I was eight, and a Snapchat. Personally, I do not count Snapchat. I used it more for texting than anything else. It was not until recently that I began posting on my story. It was not untilContinue reading “Validate me”
I have been sitting here, staring at my computer, trying to write. I have so many ideas but not enough time. Here at Expression of My Life Kayleigh and I produce six posts a week. I am working three jobs and trying to get nursing school in order. This is my last year. Which meansContinue reading “Our Adventures: Exploding Cars”
A couple years back, I sat myself down and realized I needed to change. I began seeking help. Help outside of friends and family. Help outside of myself. The only person who knew I was seeking any type of professional assistance was my now ex-boyfriend. I never told anyone else and, to this day, stillContinue reading “Why am I less than Human?”
Most people know that if you work a customer service job, you will inevitably run into a Karen. It is impossible not to. I had yet to realize how common it would be to find myself battling a wild, angry Karen at 2,3, or even 4 in the morning. It is an alarming amount ofContinue reading “Stories from Night Shift: Entitlement of the Karens”
**Warning: Suicide is mentioned in the post. Although I have never had thoughts both currently or in the past of suicide I think its important to mention that those who always betray themselves as happy are not in fact always happy. This is a friendly reminder to check on your happy friends. Don’t push orContinue reading “A Tale of Glory”
As I previously explored in the first installment of “Attachment to Broken Men”, my relationship to men has never been healthy nor productive. In continuing this series, I have decided to explore my past relationships in a meaningful way to learn from these experiences and maybe one day change for the better. Instead of beginningContinue reading “Attachment to Broken Men: The catalyst”
I never believe in saying that because I had particular life struggles, I understand everyone who has struggles. This is not the case and will never be the case. Everyone has their problems and reactions to their problems. However, how someone treats their issues and struggles defines how I see them in my head. WhatContinue reading “Wallowing in Sorrow”
Dear Lost One, You entered my life shortly before I started a 4-year adventure with zero expectations and uncertainty. We had a mutual relationship. You needed a shoulder to cry on and I was that for you. And when I wanted to talk to you about the problems of college life, long-distance dating and etcContinue reading “Letters to the Lost Ones: The One With Half-Truths”
I never questioned it or my actions. When I went inside and told my coworker what happened, I was met with a natural fluid motion. No hesitation. Housekeeping understood immediately, and a whistle was brought out in seconds. Then I was left on my own. When they asked me personal information, the lies about my engagement flowed out my mouth as natural as can be. This should not be the case. I should not be this well trained to handle inappropriate old men. I wonder at what age do girls start to pick up on these cues. When does it become second nature to defend ourselves? When do we become conditioned this way?
When I was 7 years old I was, and still am, naive enough to think that I can change the world. I know it seems silly but it’s true. My parents were too busy helping me to achieve my more feasible dreams and goals and I didn’t want to lay another aspiration on them soContinue reading “I Regret to Inform you…Change is Coming”
Over the last couple of years, I have felt the need to change. Not just for me but for those around me, and the family I hope to someday build. I had hit a rut, a big one. I spent every night drunk off my butt and running from my problems. I would meet completeContinue reading “New Beginnings”
Lately with the world the way it is I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to be known for. In the end, what do you want to be known for? Me, personally when asked about I would like to be known as the girl with countless dreams who pursued them all. The girl that wasContinue reading “Safe Haven Part 2: The Plan”
Every day I wake up and put on a smile, a hollow, defeated smile. This becomes almost ritualistic. Nothing changes. Everything stays relatively the same. Each morning I follow a routine. Wake up, reply to everyone on my phone, dance around my room, and drink my coffee. I am continuously on my phone messaging peopleContinue reading “Shattered”
Would you believe me if I told you I was broken? Would you believe me if I told you that you broke me? You walked so cleanly out of my life once before. What’s stopping you from doing it again? Yes, I know I told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.Continue reading “Would You Believe Me If I Told You I Was Broken?”
Yes, we can not do what I want to do for the hundredth time. Yes, we can do what you want. Yes, we can ignore my recommendations and instead do what you think I want to do. Yes, please tell me what I apparently would like to do. I did not know I wanted to doContinue reading ““OK that’s fine””
These are words that have been held captive way too long because it was afraid of letting it see the light. Over the years I have lost several friendships that I used to value and they all end so suddenly that I never got the chance to say a proper goodbye. So this is aContinue reading “Letters to the Lost Ones: An Unfortunate Series”
My life has been filled with vile and unforgiving men. While I had my reasons for staying in these situations, the only excuse I had was myself. I feared to break these bonds. I feared falling for a guy who would put me first. Who never had to questions his love and his intentions. BecauseContinue reading “Attachment to the Broken Ones”
I moved here two years ago with high hopes and big dreams and a phone full of contacts that haven’t been touched in months. I always thought that college would be like the movies. I’d be drinking and partying and living my best life. It didn’t even take two months for me to decide thatContinue reading “Where do we go from here”
Over the years, I have fostered a countless number of dogs. These dogs ranged from age, background, breed, personality types, and more. I usually would foster with my parents helping, aka in charge of most things. However, once I got older, I was allowed to foster on my own. I got to pick the dog,Continue reading “ButterBall”
A year ago I tweeted, “working on my character check back in soon.” I did so with every intention of working on my character. The person who I wanted to be didn’t meet the expectations of the person looking back at me into the mirror. I didn’t really know what exactly it was that IContinue reading “Safe Haven Part I: The Problem”
Last night I was driving around when I spotted something on the road. At first, I thought it was just a fox. However, soon I noticed a bright collar around a little cat’s neck. The car was pulled over, and I jumped out. Having fostered and rescued dogs for years, I was ready to run.Continue reading “The stray”
Because I am a natural observer, often silenced until called upon to speak, I tend to pay very close attention to the words that people say to each other. I know this may seem blatantly obvious to some and oblivious to others (the difference that only two letters make), but words have meanings. Some peopleContinue reading “Words that momentarily break you”
I have been reflecting a lot on my life and the people I am fortunate to have. I think back to nights where I would go with my dad to his baseball games. I would sit in the dugouts with the other team members and listen to them trash talk the other team. I rememberContinue reading “Father’s Day”
Every now and again I get into one of those moods where I just want to dream and I am thankful for the friends that I have acquired over the years who in enable me to dream. With that being said, I have copiuous amounts of dreams and in a perfect world all of myContinue reading “One million and one dreams”
Where were you? Where were you when I needed you the most? When I was spending every night crying myself to sleep, why were you not there? Why did you give up on me? Why did you find it funny watching yourself collapse? Why was it funny watching us destroying ourselves? I know you hadContinue reading “Where were you?”
One of my favorite poets, Pierre Jeanty, once wrote, “what made us fall in love is exactly what ruined us.” And to be completely honest, that really messed me up. But it made me start to think. There’s always those moments in life that happen so fast that you are completely and utterly swept offContinue reading “Like learning how to read”
I have discussed a few times now moments in my life that I felt ignored, unwanted, and forgotten. I have discussed how I worked to avoid these feelings, to an extent, and how I truly felt in these moments. However, like most young kids, I had a plan to run away. I had multiple plans.Continue reading “Runaway (Part 1)”
When asked about “love” she defines “loss.” She is the type of girl that motivates everyone else to follow their dreams while seemingly letting hers drift slowly away. She is the girl with infinite amounts of love to give while she struggles to receive it. She is the type of girl when asked about loveContinue reading “Keeper”
“You are our family rock.” “You are my rock.” “You keep me going.” Words that as a child, I adored hearing. I did not see how these words grew to change who I was and who I was becoming. As a child, I lived for these words of affection. It made me feel like IContinue reading “The family rock”
I do not know when I started creating worlds within my head, worlds that filled emotional holes in my soul. Worlds that would go beyond normal imaginative play a child’s experiences. The very first world I created was to fill the void of losing my first friend. After preschool, my first ever friend moved states.Continue reading “The life within my brain”
Before I met you, I wondered if love would ever find me. I wondered if I was worthy of that kind of attention and admiration. Did I even know what love was? Would I recognize it if it showed up at my doorstep? I watched my parents thrive, the perfect couple, together since they wereContinue reading “In love I had lost hope”
….How many times do I ignore my personal values and self input to accommodate the image others have of me? I have always found myself to be a very independent person, but maybe this image is flawed. Perhaps I have never had a difficult talk with myself on what I want. Do I even know how to have this talk? … I fear my own judgment more than anything else.
This blog is a documentation of the thoughts that consume my mind looking for an escape. What if I disappoint the people who came to listen to what I had to say on those topics. What if they don’t care for the rest? What if they leave? That last question baffles me. Like I said before, I started this blog with zero intentions of it going anywhere. I was using it as a therapy for myself. Just because I have followers reading now, that should not change why or how I write. Yet, I find myself having to force myself to write freely.
Every night like clockwork, I have nightmares. No matter how many times I wake up and fall back to sleep, the nightmares consist. This is not new to the blog and is something I have discussed before. What I left out before was what I started a few years ago. I began writing down myContinue reading “Growing past nightmares”
…do not ever invalidate someone’s emotions. The person may seem to be dramatic, extra, annoying, loner, or whatever the case may be to you, but this just might be their way of coping with emotions they do not know how to handle. Emotions that to them scare them and consume them. Your experience with anxiety is not the only experience possible.
I couldn’t handle the idea that she would not be here anymore, and to cope, I decided to act like I didn’t love her. I would play with my dog and ignore her. I still slept with her and did everything I had to do to keep her comfortable, but I tried as hard as possible to limit our time together. I couldn’t handle the pain without her. She was my best friend. She always knew exactly what to do to make me smile, and I treated her like nothing when she needed me most. She didn’t understand my pain. She didn’t understand why I was afraid to love her. She didn’t know.
Growing up, I never understood family, or what it stood for. As I have grown and explored more of what the world has to offer, I have discovered what family truly means. Family is not blood. Family is not a draw of the stick luck. Family is not your mother’s uncle’s son. Family is love.Continue reading “Choosing family”
As someone who struggles to look at herself in the mirror some days without crying, learning to love how I look is not easy. It is not something that, after a few days, I have mastered. There is no hack. Some days one thing will work, and other days another will work. It is not a science. It is a constant battle
Why am I the one you want when I have finally decided to leave? Why am I only beautiful when you feel threaten I may move on? Why am I worth it only when you fear I am moving on? Why do you want to go on adventures only when I have given up? ItContinue reading “Why?”
In life, both internally and externally, I care too fast and too hard. I find an interest or hobbies, and it consumes me. While this can be beneficial in learning new things quickly, the toll it takes is excruciating. Internally I find a part of myself I like, and I hyper-focus on it. I caterContinue reading “Fading Allure”
Last night someone whom I once babysat texted me. She asked me for advice on love. Specifically, how to know that you are in love. I texted her that love was a complicated thing, and you know. However, last night as I tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, I thought more and more onContinue reading “What is love?”
Like most of the other girls, I was leaning back holding myself up with my hands. One of my male friends asked me to change positions. Said I was making him uncomfortable and making it hard for him to concentrate on what the group was saying. That’s when I notice he wasn’t speaking to me. He hadn’t taken his eyes off my boobs. I apologized and felt embarrassed. I rushed to grab my backpack and cover myself. My body once again was being a problem.
In the past, I have had people come in and out of my lives. Some leaving memories behind and others leaving scars. I fear either happening again. I do not want to think back to you and only see memories. I do not want to feel like I am nothing but a moment in yourContinue reading “I’m sorry”
One of the huge imbalances in life is the disparity between your daily existence, with its routines and habits, and the dream you have within yourself of some extraordinarily satisfying way of living. Wayne Dyer Recently I have been reflecting on dreams I had growing up. Aspirations that I still share to this day. IfContinue reading “If money wasn’t a problem”
When I realize that my average is enough, I accept that some days will be busier and some days more relaxed. This does not mean I have failed in any way. Instead, it says I am a normal person who gets tired. I am not supposed to have only the best days. That is impossible. My average is enough. I, at my average, am enough.
Sweetheart, I know what you are doing, and I am proud. I am proud of who you are. I am proud to say you are little me. But honey… you can rest. You do not have to be perfect.
See 5 months ago, I had all these plans and expectations of what I was going to do with my new found hobby. Then I tried it, and I failed. I sucked. My roommate could not help but laugh as my fingers stumbled over the yarn and made knots where there should not have been any. That same day I started, I stopped. “My hands just are made for this. They are not steady enough.” I say this despite the fact that I have to put IV in people, have given shots, and more. These things require the exact skill I swore I need for knitting. I stopped because, in my head, I had already created fantasy land where once I picked up the string, I would be an expert.
Every morning I wake up, and my hand immediately reaches down. I feel for my stomach. Is it flat today? Can I feel my ribs? How much do I need to suck in before I can? I turn to my side and feel my stomach from one side to the next. Is it flat? HowContinue reading “The battle with myself”
My mind is in its own little world. Trudging through unknown battles. I am not ignoring you and your inquires. I hear you just fine and yearn to respond. I just can’t describe to you what I am feeling. I have to practice what I wish to say. I try and speak, but words do not leave my mouth.
If I focus too much on the present with no care of my future, I again wreck my car. Life is like this. We need to be able to look ahead and see our future. It is okay to glance around and enjoy the moments passing by, but we cannot dwell on these trivial things and risk never reaching our intended destination.
Years come and go, but your voice ringing threw my head never does. Some days when the wind moves to fast, I am transported back to your car. We were flying down the highways. Not a care in the world. Your eyes filled with a passion I have yet to find every again. I hearContinue reading “I deserved a better goodbye”
I lay in bed and beg myself to sleep. Beg myself to look past the terror that I know will fill my nights. Beg myself to close my eyes and dream of a place that I will be okay. As the hours come and go, I toss and turn until finally my body breaks. I cannot force my eyes open any longer, and sleep takes over. Every night the rest defeats my body’s tedious battle. Every night the same nightmare fills my unconscious mind. My mind screams for an escape
It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome. William James When embarking on any new journey, I often wonder, “is it worth it.” Is trying to accomplish this new goal or mission worth the chance I will fail. More often than not,Continue reading “The Fear of Failure”
Words are from the lips, actions are from the heart. Rashida Costa I can speak a thousand words to you and mean only two of them. Yet, you would never know. I can hear someone tell me stories of how they will be better, do better, do this and do that, yet they never do.Continue reading “Your actions show the deception in your words”
A year from now, I will begin a new journey. I will no longer be a college student. I will no longer be a student. I will be a real adult. I will be a nurse. In a year from now, life will change a lot. I find myself longing for the freedom I willContinue reading “A year from now”
I have watched patients die, held the hands of patients who trusted me enough to be vulnerable around me. I have held parents, daughters, sons, families, friends as they watch the ones they love pass. I have had the honor of hearing patients tell me about their lives. The joy in their eyes when they speak about their past. Soon I began to note a trend. My patients all would talk to me of their history and families, but each and everyone had one story, one incredible moment in their lives.
Promise me you won’t leave. Promise me when I wake you will be there. Promise me you will not abandon me. Every action I take is to ensure that you will not leave. You want to hang out, sure. I will ignore my 10-page paper to hang out. Sure I will lose sleep tonight soContinue reading “Please stay”
She tries her best every single day to live a “normal” dog life. Every day she pushes past her fears. She may analyze every step she takes. She looks out onto our floors with determination to cross the room without tripping herself up. She looks upon stairs with fear and determination. I watch as she takes 5 maybe 6 minutes sometimes to begin her climb up the stairs. She puts one paw down and takes it off. She repeats the process over and over again.
Silence. Silence consumes everything it can. When a room has been stricken by silence, thoughts rage on within my head. I look out into the room of people that surround me. Are they judging me? Should I not have worn this shirt? Should I have skipped breakfast today? Is my hair a mess? Are they tryingContinue reading “The terror of silence”
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. –Chuck Palahniuk When we hear the word pain, most of us retract, protect ourselves. Whether this is physical protection or mental protection, it does not matter. Human nature is to protect. Yet, while I do not enjoy pain in any shape or form, I am grateful for pain.Continue reading “Grateful for the pain”
“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” Shannon L. Alder Today I had the honor of going to an old abandoned town here in my state. I was able to walk through what once was homes for an entireContinue reading “Legacy”
I was embarrassed because I knew he would ask to see this thing I was so proud of. Yes. I was embarrassed because he would see what I was proud of. It makes little sense. But I had a genuine fear that this thing that I considered to be amazing would be viewed as stupid, as worthless, and I would be looked down upon for liking it.
College graduations are all around us. People are graduating and being told, “Welcome to the rest of your life.” They are being expected to chose who they are and what they want from life. They are pressured to find a job and be successful. Chose whether or not to spend around $100,000 more on graduateContinue reading “Who am I?”
Looking back to our lives, whether we are 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, or even older, we all look back with a sense of nostalgia for who we once were. Personally, at age 10, I thought that I would be engaged, madly in love. I would be planning my dream wedding in an old Victorian-styleContinue reading “What do we owe ourselves”