I start and stop. Start and stop. Write then quit. Draft after draft. 100 words are written, and 100 words are deleted. How much more until I just give up. I have so much I want to say but just as much doubt, hatred, and exhaustion. Doubt in my abilities to share my thoughts. HatredContinue reading “Opening The Can”
Since my last post, so much has changed once again. I debated writing after the breakup and explaining it. However, I don’t think it would have fully encompassed everything I have learned about myself and what I think I need. Let me explain. My golden boy was someone who made me feel the same wayContinue reading “A Golden Boy or Desperation to be Wanted?”
Attachment to Broken Men is a series I started where I dive into the men from my past, and I analyze how they have affected and shaped who I am today. This will be the third instalment but not the last. Overall, The Golden Boy is different. At the time that I am writing this,Continue reading “Attachment to Broken Men: The Golden Boy”
Stay busy. Write. Read. Play video games. Date. Hang out with friends. Be the world’s best cat mom. Study to be a better nurse. Study to learn more. Study to feel like you are smart and that you belong. Strive for better. Be better. Just be better. I have spent the last four years strivingContinue reading “Drowning in my own ambitions”
Year after year, I hear people complaining about birthdays. They don’t want to make a big deal out of it. They don’t care. They don’t understand why people waste money and time on a day that “doesn’t” matter. Personally, I don’t understand this narrative. For me, birthday matters. Birthdays are a celebration. It is aContinue reading “Birthdays”
Is it wrong to somedays not want to feel joy? Is it wrong to say that on days that I feel calm, happy, and collected, I resent myself a bit? I dislike myself because by accepting this joy and calmness, I lose my ability to reflect and write. See, when I am happy, the lastContinue reading “Finding Comfort in my Sadness”
It has been two years now. Two years since arguably the worse day of my life. I have so many questions. Yet, I know they will never be answered. I have so many things that I want to say to you. First off, I do think of you often. Every single day you cross myContinue reading “To my angel in Heaven”
Growing up, I never had any social media. The only social media I had was Facebook, made when I was eight, and a Snapchat. Personally, I do not count Snapchat. I used it more for texting than anything else. It was not until recently that I began posting on my story. It was not untilContinue reading “Validate me”
I have been sitting here, staring at my computer, trying to write. I have so many ideas but not enough time. Here at Expression of My Life Kayleigh and I produce six posts a week. I am working three jobs and trying to get nursing school in order. This is my last year. Which meansContinue reading “Our Adventures: Exploding Cars”
A couple years back, I sat myself down and realized I needed to change. I began seeking help. Help outside of friends and family. Help outside of myself. The only person who knew I was seeking any type of professional assistance was my now ex-boyfriend. I never told anyone else and, to this day, stillContinue reading “Why am I less than Human?”
Most people know that if you work a customer service job, you will inevitably run into a Karen. It is impossible not to. I had yet to realize how common it would be to find myself battling a wild, angry Karen at 2,3, or even 4 in the morning. It is an alarming amount ofContinue reading “Stories from Night Shift: Entitlement of the Karens”
As I previously explored in the first installment of “Attachment to Broken Men”, my relationship to men has never been healthy nor productive. In continuing this series, I have decided to explore my past relationships in a meaningful way to learn from these experiences and maybe one day change for the better. Instead of beginningContinue reading “Attachment to Broken Men: The catalyst”
I never believe in saying that because I had particular life struggles, I understand everyone who has struggles. This is not the case and will never be the case. Everyone has their problems and reactions to their problems. However, how someone treats their issues and struggles defines how I see them in my head. WhatContinue reading “Wallowing in Sorrow”
I never questioned it or my actions. When I went inside and told my coworker what happened, I was met with a natural fluid motion. No hesitation. Housekeeping understood immediately, and a whistle was brought out in seconds. Then I was left on my own. When they asked me personal information, the lies about my engagement flowed out my mouth as natural as can be. This should not be the case. I should not be this well trained to handle inappropriate old men. I wonder at what age do girls start to pick up on these cues. When does it become second nature to defend ourselves? When do we become conditioned this way?
Over the last couple of years, I have felt the need to change. Not just for me but for those around me, and the family I hope to someday build. I had hit a rut, a big one. I spent every night drunk off my butt and running from my problems. I would meet completeContinue reading “New Beginnings”
Lately with the world the way it is I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to be known for. In the end, what do you want to be known for? Me, personally when asked about I would like to be known as the girl with countless dreams who pursued them all. The girl that wasContinue reading “Safe Haven Part 2: The Plan”
Every day I wake up and put on a smile, a hollow, defeated smile. This becomes almost ritualistic. Nothing changes. Everything stays relatively the same. Each morning I follow a routine. Wake up, reply to everyone on my phone, dance around my room, and drink my coffee. I am continuously on my phone messaging peopleContinue reading “Shattered”
Would you believe me if I told you I was broken? Would you believe me if I told you that you broke me? You walked so cleanly out of my life once before. What’s stopping you from doing it again? Yes, I know I told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.Continue reading “Would You Believe Me If I Told You I Was Broken?”
I have been reflecting a lot on my life and the people I am fortunate to have. I think back to nights where I would go with my dad to his baseball games. I would sit in the dugouts with the other team members and listen to them trash talk the other team. I rememberContinue reading “Father’s Day”
I have discussed a few times now moments in my life that I felt ignored, unwanted, and forgotten. I have discussed how I worked to avoid these feelings, to an extent, and how I truly felt in these moments. However, like most young kids, I had a plan to run away. I had multiple plans.Continue reading “Runaway (Part 1)”
“You are our family rock.” “You are my rock.” “You keep me going.” Words that as a child, I adored hearing. I did not see how these words grew to change who I was and who I was becoming. As a child, I lived for these words of affection. It made me feel like IContinue reading “The family rock”
I do not know when I started creating worlds within my head, worlds that filled emotional holes in my soul. Worlds that would go beyond normal imaginative play a child’s experiences. The very first world I created was to fill the void of losing my first friend. After preschool, my first ever friend moved states.Continue reading “The life within my brain”
…do not ever invalidate someone’s emotions. The person may seem to be dramatic, extra, annoying, loner, or whatever the case may be to you, but this just might be their way of coping with emotions they do not know how to handle. Emotions that to them scare them and consume them. Your experience with anxiety is not the only experience possible.
Growing up, I never understood family, or what it stood for. As I have grown and explored more of what the world has to offer, I have discovered what family truly means. Family is not blood. Family is not a draw of the stick luck. Family is not your mother’s uncle’s son. Family is love.Continue reading “Choosing family”
As someone who struggles to look at herself in the mirror some days without crying, learning to love how I look is not easy. It is not something that, after a few days, I have mastered. There is no hack. Some days one thing will work, and other days another will work. It is not a science. It is a constant battle
If I focus too much on the present with no care of my future, I again wreck my car. Life is like this. We need to be able to look ahead and see our future. It is okay to glance around and enjoy the moments passing by, but we cannot dwell on these trivial things and risk never reaching our intended destination.
I have watched patients die, held the hands of patients who trusted me enough to be vulnerable around me. I have held parents, daughters, sons, families, friends as they watch the ones they love pass. I have had the honor of hearing patients tell me about their lives. The joy in their eyes when they speak about their past. Soon I began to note a trend. My patients all would talk to me of their history and families, but each and everyone had one story, one incredible moment in their lives.
Silence. Silence consumes everything it can. When a room has been stricken by silence, thoughts rage on within my head. I look out into the room of people that surround me. Are they judging me? Should I not have worn this shirt? Should I have skipped breakfast today? Is my hair a mess? Are they tryingContinue reading “The terror of silence”
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. –Chuck Palahniuk When we hear the word pain, most of us retract, protect ourselves. Whether this is physical protection or mental protection, it does not matter. Human nature is to protect. Yet, while I do not enjoy pain in any shape or form, I am grateful for pain.Continue reading “Grateful for the pain”
“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” Shannon L. Alder Today I had the honor of going to an old abandoned town here in my state. I was able to walk through what once was homes for an entireContinue reading “Legacy”