A Golden Boy or Desperation to be Wanted?

Since my last post, so much has changed once again. I debated writing after the breakup and explaining it. However, I don’t think it would have fully encompassed everything I have learned about myself and what I think I need. Let me explain. My golden boy was someone who made me feel the same way

Birthdays

Year after year, I hear people complaining about birthdays. They don’t want to make a big deal out of it. They don’t care. They don’t understand why people waste money and time on a day that “doesn’t” matter. Personally, I don’t understand this narrative. For me, birthday matters. Birthdays are a celebration. It is a

Why?

Why am I the one you want when I have finally decided to leave? Why am I only beautiful when you feel threaten I may move on? Why am I worth it only when you fear I am moving on? Why do you want to go on adventures only when I have given up? It

Fading Allure

In life, both internally and externally, I care too fast and too hard. I find an interest or hobbies, and it consumes me. While this can be beneficial in learning new things quickly, the toll it takes is excruciating. Internally I find a part of myself I like, and I hyper-focus on it. I cater

What is love?

Last night someone whom I once babysat texted me. She asked me for advice on love. Specifically, how to know that you are in love. I texted her that love was a complicated thing, and you know. However, last night as I tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, I thought more and more on

I’m sorry

In the past, I have had people come in and out of my lives. Some leaving memories behind and others leaving scars. I fear either happening again. I do not want to think back to you and only see memories. I do not want to feel like I am nothing but a moment in your

My Average is enough

When I realize that my average is enough, I accept that some days will be busier and some days more relaxed. This does not mean I have failed in any way. Instead, it says I am a normal person who gets tired. I am not supposed to have only the best days. That is impossible. My average is enough. I, at my average, am enough.

I deserved a better goodbye

Years come and go, but your voice ringing threw my head never does. Some days when the wind moves to fast, I am transported back to your car. We were flying down the highways. Not a care in the world. Your eyes filled with a passion I have yet to find every again. I hear

Nightmare Fueled Nights

I lay in bed and beg myself to sleep. Beg myself to look past the terror that I know will fill my nights. Beg myself to close my eyes and dream of a place that I will be okay. As the hours come and go, I toss and turn until finally my body breaks. I cannot force my eyes open any longer, and sleep takes over. Every night the rest defeats my body’s tedious battle. Every night the same nightmare fills my unconscious mind. My mind screams for an escape

The Fear of Failure

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome. William James When embarking on any new journey, I often wonder, “is it worth it.” Is trying to accomplish this new goal or mission worth the chance I will fail. More often than not,

A year from now

A year from now, I will begin a new journey. I will no longer be a college student. I will no longer be a student. I will be a real adult. I will be a nurse. In a year from now, life will change a lot. I find myself longing for the freedom I will

One amazing Moment

I have watched patients die, held the hands of patients who trusted me enough to be vulnerable around me. I have held parents, daughters, sons, families, friends as they watch the ones they love pass. I have had the honor of hearing patients tell me about their lives. The joy in their eyes when they speak about their past. Soon I began to note a trend. My patients all would talk to me of their history and families, but each and everyone had one story, one incredible moment in their lives.

Please stay

Promise me you won’t leave. Promise me when I wake you will be there. Promise me you will not abandon me. Every action I take is to ensure that you will not leave. You want to hang out, sure. I will ignore my 10-page paper to hang out. Sure I will lose sleep tonight so