Attachment to the Broken Ones

My life has been filled with vile and unforgiving men. While I had my reasons for staying in these situations, the only excuse I had was myself. I feared to break these bonds. I feared falling for a guy who would put me first. Who never had to questions his love and his intentions. Because if I fell and they rejected me, then I was the one at fault. I was the one who was broken and not good enough. I feared breaking the chains that held me attached to my “list” of broken men. They are easy. They do not cause me the trouble of pain. I know who they are, and I understand all their flaws. Every insult they through at me has been heard a million times before. Yet if one of these vile men tells me I am not good enough, that I am broken, useless, disgusting, boring, unlovable, not sexy enough, or any of the thousands of things they can and have said, it means nothing. These men prey on those most vulnerable and speak down upon them as if they are nothing. They hold little weight on me anymore. I have seen it all. I have cleared a room of empty bottles as these men were passed out on the couch. I have heard the way they speak to their own children. I have seen how they make their own children cry. I have seen how their anger manifest into violent outburst. Outburst that I had to dodge while also trying to calm them down. I have seen these men leave for hours upon hours and come back high unable to even walk through the doors. I have seen how broken they are. I can easily say their insults are a projection of their own shortcomings. Yet, I cannot let go. I am terrified of opening up to someone who is not these men. Someone who I know their intentions go beyond sex and the bedroom. However, I have tried opening up. I have tried to tear down these wells. Yet when I try, I am met with “oh, you tell everyone this,” “oh, okay, cool,” “who else have you told…have you told him.” I once had a friend say, “If a person says you’re the only person I have ever told this to,” the person is lying. I tried telling them that I disagreed. However, they were hard set on this. Just based on my own personal experience, I can say that this is not the case. There are secrets I have told someone that I have never told anyone else. There is only one person in the world who knows 98% of all my secrets. And I am bold enough to say that around 50% of the secrets this person knows no one else knows. I had been on the verge of wanting to open up and discuss things with this person that no one else really knew. But this sole comment shut me down. I feared opening up. I feared they would think I was lying, seeking attention, being dramatic, anything at all. All my anxieties that I have tried to bury and work through came rushing back. I shut down. I have stayed shut down. Instead, I rebuilt the walls. Walls I tore down to try and maybe be more open with those around me. Walls I tore down to try and heal. I thought back to all the times I tried to open up in the past, and I felt ignored. I felt like I spoke, and the person wanted to find the fastest way to shut down the conversations. Unwarranted advice was always given. Advice that felt like “do this, so I do not have to deal with it.” It may not have been the intention, but I couldn’t help but feel like it was. I remember thinking that I was stupid. That wanting to talk about myself in any capacity was dumb and unwarranted. I regretted opening up. I regretted talking. I wanted nothing more than to climb back into a hole and ignore everyone. Yet, I know if I stick to my “list” to my “broken men,” these comments can just be brushed off. I am not the problem. I am not the broken one. I am afraid to give up my sanctuary and realize that I am the broken one. I am the one who needs help. That I am the one who needs to look in the mirror and analyze their own life.

Published by Kathrine

Emergency Room Nurse spends too much time thinking, reflecting, and over-analyzing every detail of life. Hoping to one day figure it all out.

9 thoughts on “Attachment to the Broken Ones

  1. Stop falling in love with potential and you will simultaneously stop falling for these broken men. Broken men are viewed as projects to you, something you can work on and send back into the world and not as life partners. When these men find faults in you, you slowly start to resent yourself. Falling in-love with broken, emotionally unavailable men is toxic and you must stop yourself from falling into this vicious cycle again.

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  2. I believe in miracles…….I just had one now. You won’t believe I’ve been crying all day looking for someone to understand me. Let me put it this way…..I have been depressed not like the regular depression, it comes and I feel like giving up then it leaves me. It like I’m in some kind of torment. But the moment you followed me on Twitter and I opened this post God! I feel great , I see myself loosening up And good news to that I just got a call to sell one of my screenplays. Thanks for this wonderful post.

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  3. It’s true. Such men really prey on vulnerable women who for some reasons aren’t able to standup and oppose them. Grow Strong. Outgrow these men. The world on the other side is really beautiful

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  4. This is a strong point of conversation. You open up to those who you trust. Everybody else can go f**k themselves. No one has the right to judge you. And don’t be harsh on yourself.

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  5. Hello there Katherine, I just came across your post. Honestly speaking, I can relate. In my situation, I constantly fell for people who treated me badly. Mine was caused by the effects of bullying in my younger years. I went to a school with heavily mean kids who talked harshly to me even when I was nice to them. For a long time, I internalized their insults and thought that it must have been true. I will let you imagine the amount of players that I developed feelings for. Whenever my heart was broken, it brought back the words of the bullys to my mind and it validated their words in a way and I felt crushed. However, this is no longer my story, because I chose to no longer accept those things. A woman will be treated well when she begins to treat herself well. However, many women will not treat themselves well when they are insecure about their worth. A great way to gain confidence is to know your purpose and why God has created you. God would not waste his time creating a nobody, you are here because you are a somebody. God would show you your value and let you know that you are worth a lot and have a lot to offer the world. I know how hard these situations can be, so I will advise you to say a word of prayer to God and tell him how you feel, he can help.
    I will leave you with these bible verses:
    Psalm 139: 13-14 says
    “For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
    I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well”
    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.
    Please, let these words permeate your spirit. There are many more promises in the Bible and even more promises in the presence of God. God will never abandon you.
    If you are interested in knowing more about God and how to build a relationship with him, I have a post on it here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/
    God bless you. Stay strong 🙂

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